8th November by Amy of Home Edscapes
Today is going to be a departure from the usual topic of home education and our journey. There is candid and open talk of death and dying. The last two days we’ve been decorating our home ready for Christmas. We normally don’t do this until the first week of December, but this year we’ve done it early and there’s both a sad and a happy reason why.
As you all know, my husband Dave has primary progressive multiple sclerosis. He didn’t make the official shielding list as he isn’t on disease modifying treatment for his MS. However, he’s been hospitalised many times over the last few years for chest infections, respiratory conditions etc, so we went into self imposed shielding back in March. Then July rolled round and we decided to deregister Evie from school in order to keep Dave safe and we’ve spent minimal time with other people who aren’t in the same circumstances as ourselves.
Around a week ago, Dave asked me to get the Christmas decorations down from the loft as he wanted to decorate the house. This is most unlike Dave, who is the grinch of the family and outright refuses to utter the word ‘Christmas’ until the first week of December! This is so unlike him, that I was instantly suspicious!
So we had a chat and this is where it becomes quite candid. Dave wanted to decorate early, because he is worried he will not make it to December. Covid cases are on the rise, deaths are on the rise. He can barely fight off a chest infection, he’s worried and I’m worried, that he’ll not survive Covid. It’s a genuine concern for us. Dave wanted to decorate now because he wants to enjoy every moment of the festive period whilst he’s still alive to do so. He wants our children to enjoy time with their Dad, he wants me to enjoy our time together as a family. He doesn’t want to die and miss Christmas. He doesn’t want the kids to wake up on Christmas morning with presents from Santa, but with no Daddy. He doesn’t want me to spend what should have been the rest of our lives together, alone.
No one should feel this way, yet he does. This pandemic has left him in a state of Schrodingers Dave at the moment. He’s both alive and dead until something happens. He’s living as though he’s had a death sentence, but can’t enjoy anything as he doesn’t want to leave us. He doesn’t want to die. I don’t want him to die. Evie and Mason don’t want him to die. This is probably how a lot of people are feeling at the moment, though they’ve been sentenced to death and are awaiting an execution date.
Lockdown is hard, I get it. I miss my friends, I miss not being able to visit people for a cup of tea, or enjoy lunch in the cafe. I miss theme parks, trips to the farm and zoo. I miss wandering around town window shopping, trips to Santa, trips to the beach. I miss it all. But every sacrifice I have made has been for Dave and people like Dave. I don’t like masks, I don’t like social distancing, I don’t like lockdowns and closures. Yet I love Dave more than I dislike all of those things. I like knowing that I’ve done my bit to keep people like him safe. We shouldn’t have to live like this, but we do, to keep our vulnerable alive so they can see a Christmas with their children, with their parents, their grandparents. So they can get through this pandemic, and make it through to see their families soon.
I don’t write this for a pity party. That’s not who we are. I write this as someone whose family life depends on everyone doing their part. Please, for people like Dave, help us.
Sending Love as Always